Sigh.

Money money money. Sigh.

Dr John says thoughts --> actions --> reality. But I can't even motivate myself to formulate the thought and hold that vision in my mind. Am I discouraged? Traumatised? ...lazy? Or, what? I don't even know. I don't think it's down to lazy yet because I know that if there was something worth doing I'd definitely jump at the opportunity. Now the key words are "something" and "worth doing". Sometimes I feel like going to Myanmar and be a volunteer cos that'd be something worth doing, but hey I'm not like those celebrities who can afford not to work, AND sustain themselves while volunteering.

It's true that I'm in denial - that I know for sure I am. Yes, we have fought long and hard to get where we are today, but I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm so tired. There's always something, someone, somewhere, somehow or other, to fight for. Fight fight fight. Haven't there been enough deaths in the world already? When will all these fighting stop and I can take a breath of unlaboured air?

Am I giving up? Is that considered surrendering or just being practical? ...realistic? "Pessimistic," I can almost hear you shout. But I've run through a lot of glass walls already. 16 resumes and 1 interview out, 1 rejected, zero returned. Ideas have been sifted through and all rejected due to capital of S$60-100k needed. Scholarships applied for, 1 rejected and the rest didn't bother replying. Speaking of which I hate all those rejection emails. Bloody templates. "We believe you are a talented individual but unsuitable for our corporation blah blah blahhhh...". Bloody asses.

Mama says I should pray about it. Believe me, I have tried. But... If I don't even have anything specific to ask for, how can God intervene? I don't even know what to pray for. I can't pray for a job since there are tons in the Classifieds. I can't pray for "something" since that's entirely too vague and even if God grants my request for "something" I'd never realise it since I didn't know what it is in the first place. (Ok maybe God does know what I want even though I don't but I'll only find out....in God's time.)

Hey who sent the beetle to accompany me? It sat beside me on the bed while I blogged and I didn't even notice until I almost sat on it.

Sigh. Money money money...

Otherwise, we went to Swensen's today... Which sucked, as Swensen's always does. But oh well we all eat crap once in a while.

Happy Twentieth to Terri! We'll all have our turn.

Sigh. Money money money...